I have been kindly awarded a shiny blog thingy that means today's post, from what I can gather, has to be ten things about me. I was also privately and anonymously (though I know who you are) castigated for the apparently relentlessly kind things I have written so far, giving the erroneous impression that I am an upbeat sunshine-spready kind of girl. When in reality, I am a sweary old curmudgeon who grumbles about the place pouring scorn on everything. So here are ten things to enlighten you all:
- I hate Skiing. It's not fun and it the boots are too tight and they hurt. A lot. It is undignified spending most of the time on your arse surrounded by huge plastic mushrooms and three-year-olds whizzing by your prone, sobbing, frozen form. Getting smacked on the head by an empty ski lift hurts like the bollocks. Being hugged by a giant chipmunk on skis is the final straw.
- I was expelled from school at 14 on grounds of religious sedition.
- My idea of heaven is a lazy, bacchanalian, dappled lunch in southern Europe at a huge long table with all the people I love laughing til they're helpless, followed by more cheese than you can shake a stick at.
- I loathe team sports. My children live for them. I try.
- I can read and write Arabic.
- I have no time for people who excuse their children's lack of basic manners on the grounds they are sensitive and gifted. The day your kid rocks round to my house and knocks out a perfect sonnet is the day I forgive them for smearing pizza on my freshly painted walls and opening someone else's birthday presents.
- I love George Formby and Clinton Ford for their naughty lyrics, hysterical ukelele playing and daft sound effects. I appreciate that I am relatively alone in this passion.
- I run my own company - most days, this is a source of pride. Some days, however, I secretly long to find myself swathed in an apron, banging out cupcakes and roast chicken, necking Prozac and vodka and smiling beatifically at my polished silver and gleaming children.
- I have a very tenuous grasp of world history and would greatly appreciate suggestions for short, easy books with lots of anecdotes and pictures that will stop me making an arse of myself and give me a chance at the Christmas Quiz.
- I can swear like a trooper in over ten languages. Lovely.
You make me wish I could be at the table for that lunch in southern Europe. I'll help cook, or at least bring a cork screw.
ReplyDeleteI'm speechless, really. Honored. I've told you publicly and privately how in awe I am of your writing and your story-telling abilities. . .
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is thank you, thank you. Gosh.
You can read and write Arabic? Hasn't the CIA or M5 (6?) or the Mossad contacted you yet? You may regret that little exposure. Then again they may exempt Prozac taking, vodka drinking mothers -- although I don't know why.
Tishxo
Kathy, you're in. Just bring cheese. I thought Gerard Depardieu could open the bottles. With his teeth.
ReplyDeleteTish, my pleasure. I think you'll find being a lush of a yummy mummy can be a great cover for ALL sorts of activity..!!!
David Hume's six volume History of England would increase your knowledge of history. ;)
ReplyDeleteMy life is sort of like number 8...minus the cupcakes. It's super glamourous! hahaha!
As a loyal follower I would like to state for the record that you never came across as a "Pollyanna" to me. In fact nothing on your list came as a surprise to me. I am jealous as I can only swear in 3 languages. You appear to be an intelligent "ballsy " women yourself.
ReplyDeleteKLS - that's about five and a half times more book than I was looking for - thank you anyway!
ReplyDeleteJames - there's a place at the table for you too. I'll teach you some more words over cheese.