Vulgar vulgar vulgar, but by God, we've missed you...

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Occasionally, when the blood sugar is low or they've just had double maths or cross-country, the bots will work themselves into an indignant home-time back-seat fury that they weren't born American. They see it as a huge waste that I went to High School, had a locker and a boyfriend with a letter jacket and STILL act more Penelope Keith than Irene Cara. With all my advantages and all.

On less angry days (lost trackie bums, lost hymn books), they content themsleves with whining 'Why did you leave London, Mummy, whhhyyyyy, we love London, whyyyy can't we still live there, all the cousins do, it's not faiiiirrr.' And sometimes, as I stand in Morrisons with more teeth in my head than the rest of the shop put together, I wonder the same thing myself.

However, they went off happily this weekend for a metro-fix and I stayed here thinking, for the second time in 16 years, that however bleak my life may feel on waking, at least I am not the Duchess of York. God Almighty, woman.

The cousins the bots are staying with have a friend whose dad used to Play For Chelsea.and now Manages A Team. Freddie hyperventilates just going over the threshold, even though he has never met him and is also furious that I have. 13 years ago when babysitting the cousins. Before he was born. Anyway, Freddie rang me this morning. 'Daddy's got something to ask,' he squeaked in a big rush. 'Well,' drawled  Edward, 'the bots have been invited to go swimming with the cousins at you-know-who's place. If we go, we'll be back too late for supper, so we were just wondering.. He paused. I imagined Freddie, sturdy legs and sticky fingers pretzelled in prayer - I heard him breathe 'pleasepleaseplease.'

'No bloody way,' I sputtered, 'I've been slaving over the curry all damn morning, how dare you even ask?'

Just kidding.

I said yes, and heard the shriek all the way from south west London. I'm going to put aubergines and courgettes and other hijus vegetables in the curry and when I've eaten it, I'm going to fall off the wagon into three bottles of burgundy, spark up a Silk Cut and stagger down the Rotary Club to see if anyone wants an introduction to Edward. Fifty quid'll do it.

Confused readers click here for the whole fabulously funny intrusive gutter journalism at its worst story.


  1. Poor bloody Fergie. She is such an idiot, I feel positively sorry for her.

  2. That poor woman. Send her some of your curry. Hijus veggies and all.

  3. I seam to have stumbled into a world in which I know nothing yet am strangely entertained. I have no idea who Penelope Keith or Irene Cara are, what a bot is, and only guess i know what sport playing for Chelsea infers.

    I have a juvenile, letter jacket wearing urge, to simply type, "Tut, tut, cherio and all that", and be on my snickering American/wrong side of the tracks way... yet i linger.

    Now Fergie acting stupid, that i understand.

  4. Great post, m'dear. I laughed out loud reading it, particularly the reference to teeth. Living in the country on weekends, as I do, I sometimes have a similar experience whilst visiting the nearby farm stand. The people are charming, indeed, and the teeth are, to put it mildly, quite extraordinary!

  5. They must do a particularly good vodka in Morrisons to tempt you in.

  6. Lou, tiffany and LPC - I veer between thinking it all serves her right, greedy and rather unpleasant type she is and then feeling desperately sorry she plays it all out in the public eye and is going to have SUCH a rough ride. Her poor daughters...

    I think several people at the Palace would probably this she IS a hijus vegetable.

    Brohammas - lovely to meet you. Penelope Keith is a Great British Institution - Helen Mirren of the small screen if you like. Irene Cara is clearly an age rather than cultural void - she was in Fame - my bots (kids) think that all school age Americans burst into song and swing past the lockers in the halls in unison at least once a day.

    Darling Reggie - kindred chap. Though farm stand sounds lovely and rustic. Morrisons, as the post after yours implies, is probably the retail opposite of a farm stand.

    Trish - hon, am on the wagon, seriously. Never been so feckin miz in my nelly...

  7. A two-fer. The angst of children and adults. Love it.

    I'd rather fall into a bottle of burgundy and fire up a Silk Cut than see some footballer but I never did understand soccer.

    Lemon lagers at Twickenham. Wasps vs the Sarecens. Singing 'Rawhide' in the beer line. No clue how to get back to hotel. Is alcohol a problem? It certainly is in my home. Especially around Christmas and New Years.

  8. So well I know that feeling but here in the republic that is the ugliest village in Suffolk I know that an introduction to my OH would largely be ignored however me raffling a spare set of false teeth would have them storming the aisles...

  9. Sweetie, you need to write somethin'.

  10. ELS, I am certain that whatever you are doing is valuable and intelligent and required, but it's still sad you aren't doing it with us...

  11. Are you coming back soon? Sniff...

  12. I can't believe I haven't discovered you before, but I am so delighted I have now - such deliciousness. Thank you.

  13. I took a punt on the fact that you might not mind being given a 'Beautiful Blogger' - I do so love Mon Avis Mes Amis and hope you get round to posting some more at some point. (I am not exactly prolific, mind you)
    The award is below.

  14. Why do I keep coming back here? You're never around. You've disappeared somewhere...

    I look up at your blog and can almost hear you comment back to me...

  15. ELS - You are our kind of girl!
    Breaking out the Burgundy and Silk Cuts here
    in our office in honor of the funniest damn post we have read in ages. Please keep writing so brilliantly. Cheers, Edie and Rhonda

  16. "Like the deserts miss the rain..."

  17. Dear ELS, loving this! Love the line about being in Morrisons and having more teeth than the rest of them put together; moved out of London a couple of years ago and I have moments like that! xx


Please leave a comment if you can be remotely bothered - anything you have to say is valuable and I absolutely love hearing from you all. Elizabeth