Me an' Jem

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

So, other than the obvious - thick, tawny hair, endless elegant limbs, eye-watering personal trust fund and the fact we've both kicked Hugh Grant out of bed more times than we'd care to remember*, it would appear that Jemima Khan and I have even more in common than ever. Her offspring too have eschewed Mini Boden for Top Man (though Freddie wouldn't dare describe it as 'gay'. Yet.).  See this month's English Vogue for the full story if you can be arsed.

Which is how I found myself in Tweenieland in London over half-term. The bots smirked and did slidy eyes when I suggested Hamleys and ice-cream. They had checked out the website and press releases and were set on Oxford Circus Top Shop, where we haggled in hisses over the suitability of denim shorts that wouldn't cover Barbie's plastic arse and a T-shirt saying 'Screw You.' I told them that people who needed to show their bottoms and swear in public were losers, not amusing hip young folk and that I was not very impressed with their choices so far.

We agreed after what felt like several strip-lit thumpy-music hours on some bright stuff for Freddie and some pearl-encrusted stuff for Rose and then I played my trump card - the theatre! I had returns for Legally Blonde, knowing Rose would adore it and Freddie would be super-excited at just the whole Savoy-theatre-London-treat experience. Well apparently not. He took one look at the huge pink billboard, gaggles of schoolgirls also in pink and a blow-up chihuahua and rolled his eyes backwards in his skull. His shoulders went down and he was incapable of speech. It wasn't helped by the mincing torch-bearer who showed us to our seats asking him why he wasn't going to see Kick-Ass instead.

Rose and I had a great time. The court-room number 'Gay or European' is one of the wittiest things I have ever heard, marred only a tiny bit by my clearly wildly heterosexual nine-year old son slumped as far down in his seat as he could looking everywhere but at the stage and shooting off for the exit before the curtain calls had started.

We had what the bots have started calling one of Mummy's Awkward Conversations in the taxi about being grateful and not spoiling everyone's treat by being unimpressed and cynical. 'Like you were in Topshop?' wondered Freddie, all huge-eyed and over-the-top-interested in what I was saying.

Wonder how Jemima would have handled that one.

*Some of this might just be bollocks.


  1. "*Some of this might be bollocks"

    So your trust fund is not eye-watering? I know the rest is true.

    good to see ya again

  2. I can so relate to the eye rolling, shoulder slumping attitudinal aggravation.

    Welcome back!

  3. If this is bollocks then a lot more of it, please. Keep right on .....

  4. Welcome back. It's going to get worse before it gets better. That is, if my experience is anything to rely upon.

  5. What were you thinking woman...Legally Blonde?!You should have taken my advice and then Freddie could have enjoyed puppets simulating sex in Avenue Q.

  6. This could've gone two ways. 1- The way it did. 2- After the play he talked of nothing but the play, asked for singing lessons and begged you for a trip to Broadway.

    Sadly there is little theater in the states other than musicals. It's why most American actors are big girls blouses. I wish Mamet would do a musical.

  7. I WAS Freddie and had no vote in the matter when being dragged along by my mother and older sister. Other than shoulder slumping, eye rolling and sulking, I also puked during my sister's dance recital.

  8. aaaallll riiight! you are back. We can have fun again. Great to have you back. Hope everything is OK.

  9. I personally think you have the edge over Jemima - TopShop Oxford Circus, despite being TopShop Oxford Circus still has the edge over Westfield. Also I personally have a mortal fear of musical theatre ( Annie & Joseph as a small child....) I applaud you for getting there at all ! x

  10. Darling James - yup, and it's possible I may once have married Imran Khan, I forget now.

    Blue - me too!

    Kathy and LPC - wise words and coping strategy welcome, failing that sharp instruments. Lovely to see you both.

    Tintin - you say the second option like it would have been a bad thing. Just trying to think of rugged butch US actor and am stuck on Rob Lowe. Versus hulking, wine-stained, eating-with-fingers dirty sexy Gerard Depardieu, Liam Neeson.. I think you're right.

    ADG. This, like many of your boasts, is nothing to be proud of. Come back over for a visit and I will take you to Sadler's Wells with several exquisite types. Woe betide you if you throw up.

    Joelle - fun it is then, you're on!!

    Belgravia - welcome - Westfield left me wondering if I had been slipped LSD in the carpark. Shudderingly awful. At least TSOC has a scrape of international cool. Personally, I LOVE musicals but then as many readers will attest, I am a gay man trapped inside an ageing lady's body...

    Trish - yee-ee-es, but I am saving that one for ME.


Please leave a comment if you can be remotely bothered - anything you have to say is valuable and I absolutely love hearing from you all. Elizabeth